Betty ford says i'm here all night
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
