there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
