Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
