the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize
