i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize