the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
