I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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