i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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