i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
