I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
He did a backflip because drugs
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