I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
