Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
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