Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
