I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
