my mouth tastes like poor choices
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
