Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Randomize
