How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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