woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Randomize
