I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
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