My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
