i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
