awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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