he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Randomize
