hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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