Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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