I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
You're earring is so big in my mouth
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
