Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
