so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Randomize
