Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Randomize
