Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Betty ford says i'm here all night
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Randomize
