Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
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