that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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