I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
You are a genius and a whore.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
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