Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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