please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
