the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Randomize