i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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