Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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