I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Randomize
