Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
