If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
