I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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