Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
