i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I need a beard to bite.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
