true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
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