They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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