And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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