Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
