I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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