This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
