my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
