Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Randomize
