Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
This toilet bowl is my home.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
