my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
