i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
