Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
This is my gift to your gina
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Randomize