I haven't been this sober since birth.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
