new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
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