I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
