I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
