My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
