im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
