i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
