and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
